Deal With It

Why do people in their twenties seem to think that people in their thirties are just a spoonful of Metamucil away from ordering off the senior menu at Denny’s? They talk about their impending “Big 3 – 0” like it’s a long-range missile trained on their personal GPS coordinates. When that weapon strikes, the 29-year-old will apparently have the instant and overwhelming compulsion to buy a packet of Tums, a pair of powder blue polyester stretch pants and some $4.99 reading glasses at the Walmart. Oh, no, my first gray hair! Life might as well be over!

Young People – and by that I mean – well – you know who you are – I’m here to offer my services. In my educational DVD entitled “Suck it up and deal – how to start a new decade without the whining” you can glimpse what could be in store for you upon finally reaching your- gasp! – next birthday with a zero at the end of it! In this sixty-minute program, I’ll reveal some basic techniques which hinge upon the principles that (1) life is precious and worth living to its fullest and (2) to go on living means ya gotta age.

You need to bite the gray-headed bullet and bite down hard. Once I teach you how, you can ingest all of that power you’ve been giving to the idea of aging badly and turn it into something I like to call self-esteem. Not that know-it-all, blustery bravado you’ve pretended was self-esteem, either, but the bonafide, genuine, real deal.

For a limited time only, you can have this amazing DVD for just $39.99!

But wait, there’s more! Buy now and I’ll throw in the award-winning booklet “Snivel No More – Stuff You Don’t Realize Until You’re 40.” Here’s a sneak peak: You actually have to listen sometimes. Not that foot-tapping-eyes-roaming-around-the-room distracted form of pretense favored by people – yeah, you – who are just waiting for your turn to talk. You need to start paying attention – especially to people who are older than you and might have something meaningful to impart. "Snivel No More"

will show you how.

But that’s not all!  Included in this low-priced offer is a special kit that will reveal to you with near x-ray vision all those social leeches who suck the very oxygen out of a room. It’s backed up by a support system that’ll daily reassure you – sometimes, it’s okay to judge a book by its cover. Why waste what precious little time you got left on emotional parasites?

And ... If you are one of the next 50 callers, we’ll throw in our hot-off-the-press e-book called “Sometimes Your Parents Were Right.” Valued by actual moms and dads as worth over two billion dollars!

Don’t miss your chance – just $39.99. Satisfaction guaranteed.  If after 30 days you haven’t stopped whining about getting older and embraced it with both arms open, we’ll give you your money back!

Special restrictions may apply. Not included are shipping, handling, and a federal usage tax for people who wasted their twenties worrying about things they cannot possibly control. Suck it up and deal and Order Now! You can’t afford not to!

Born to Die

The guy at the shop –

The one who looks like

An extra from Sons of Anarchy –

All long hair and ratty beard –

Enlarged ear lobes

And perplexing tattoos –

The only legible one reading

“Born to Die” on his forearm –

Asks as he rings up my helmet

So – do you – uh – ride – or drive?

I think it’s a trick question –

I’d been led to believe

By people who look like him

Only a kook says he drives a motorcycle –

And in the long moment

I pause to consider how to respond

He clarifies sheepishly –

Well – I mean –

Are you like – the passenger?

Me?

I straddle my Vulcan

Like rich white ladies ride horses –

Swap their smells of hay

Wool saddle blankets and mink oil

For leather and gasoline –

For the smoke which oozes

from an Impala in the next lane –

A gold-ringed hand dangling

Out the open window –

Camel Light loosely gripped

between an index and middle finger –

I take all of that in

In the steamy hot

Cicada singing south

Before I head out of my city –

Urban smells giving way

To the land of Oz

Where Poppy chomps at the bit

Like Secretariat at Churchill Downs

I call her Poppy

Because she’s the color

Of the California state flower

Where I’m from

And because

We hit 80 together

And it’s better than opium –

Poppy’s my opiate of choice –

All five senses engaged

At warp speed on a 2-lane –

We’re intimate with

A canopy of Virginia oaks –

Green tangled kudzu –

Breathing the unnamed scents

Along with the wisteria and lavender –

The wet earthy river stones –

Hear the rumble beneath –

Feel the roar of the odd semi –

The way its aftermath

of heat and speed buffets around –

Sucks us in and rattles our bones

 

This is what life tastes like

But I don’t say that to the guy

Who was born to die –

I tell him – I ride –

But I’m no passenger –